Not all the information about me is known to me. As you and I interact,
you will notice things about me of which I am unaware. Often I am not aware
of the mannerisms, gestures, facial expressions, vocal inflections, and
other behaviors I exhibit as I interact with you. I am certainly not aware
of how my behavior affects you, your emotions, and your physical condition.
This
information is in my Blind Spot and it is under your control. We can
further enlarge the Arena between us if you share this Blind Spot information
about me with me. Sharing Blind Spot information is called interpersonal
feedback and it is very helpful in improving the free exchange of information
and the openness of communications.
When Dr. Timmons introduced the concept of interpersonal feedback to
his classes, a student would invariably say something like, "Oh, you mean
constructive criticism." Effective feedback is definitely not constructive
criticism. It attends to the somebodiness of another, recognizes the uniqueness
of that person, and seeks to enhance the other's sense of self. It attempts
to honor a person by giving him information he cannot know without our
help. Criticism is often seen as an attack. Feedback, the effective variety,
is intended as a gift.
All of us require feedback to find out how we are doing.
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Feedback is my perception and my truth, not fact.
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Feedback is concerned with specific behavior.
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Feedback relates to behaviors under the control of the receiver.
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Feedback can relate to either positive or negative aspects of behavior.
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Feedback is non-judgmental.
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Feedback is not advice.
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Feedback becomes the property of the receiver.
Feedback is my perception and my truth, not necessarily fact.
The content of my feedback to you comes from the data I have gathered and
passed through my perceptual filters, the inferences I have drawn about
what and how you did and said something, and my personal emotional or physical
responses to it. I cannot know how others see your behavior. I cannot know
how others feel and think about your behavior. I can only know how I perceive
what you say and do. This is all I can know and therefore, all I can share.
Not only is it inappropriate, it is inaccurate for me to say something
like, "When you do this, people don't like it", or "Nobody enjoys someone
who does that", or "Everybody knows you shouldn't act that way". How in
the world would I know? Feedback is my "truth", not anyone else's.
Feedback is concerned with specific behavior. How helpful would
it be to you if I said, "I like the way you do things around here"? Would
you know what I was talking about if I told you, "I get upset with the
way you treat people"? You may enjoy hearing the first statement, but wonder
to which one of your vast array of behaviors I am referring. The second
statement may leave you confused and hurt and guessing what I meant. General
feedback is not useful, because you have to infer which behavior or behaviors
have caught my attention. It is more helpful to you if I were to
say, "When you gave me that pat on the back just now, I really felt good
about myself," or "When you said, 'You don't know what you're talking about',
I sensed you were attacking me and I felt very defensive". The more specific,
I am the more efective I am in offering you feedback.
Feedback relates to behaviors under the control of the receiver.
Examples: I have a habit of bouncing my leg rapidly which shakes
the table and the floor and anything I am connected to. Frequently, I am
not aware I am doing this. If someone lets me know it is annoying him,
I can stop it. I do not have to bounce my leg. I can control this behavior.
It is something I can do something about. But let's say the right-side
of your face has a muscular disorder that causes your eye to twitch. You
can't do anything about it. You have no control over it. And as much as
you would like for it to stop, the twitch does what it wants. I come to
you and offer you some feedback, "When your face twitches, I feel uncomfortable."
How effective is this feedback? Not very, right?
Ideally, feedback should concern behaviors people can control. There
are times, however, when feedback regarding a behavior someone cannot control
can be valuable. To let others know how their behavior impacts you may
be useful. For instance, a young woman with a heavy Southern accent cannot
control how she talks. She may feel very self-conscious about it. If I
find her accent charming and attractive, I could dispel some of her uneasiness
by sharing my feelings with her.
Feedback can relate to either positive or negative aspects of behavior.
Often people believe feedback concerns only the negative aspects and impacts
someone's behavior has on us. Obviously, you won't have an opportunity
to change the behavior I respond to negatively unless you are aware of
how it comes across to me. Without the information, you have no choices.
In the same way, you cannot repeat or continue a behavior which I perceive
to be very positive unless you know about it. For instance, if a friend
of mine noticed that I picked up my plate after I finished eating when
I visited their home and they, "I really appreciate it [or don't appreciate
it] when you pick up your plate and bring it to the sink. You can come
over anytime." Do you think I pick up my plate when I'm in his home?
If they don't appreciate it, I won't do it next time. IF there is
a next time!
Feedback is non-judgmental. It doesn't suggest that a behavior
is a stupid, rotten, no good, and evil thing to do. It doesn't say that
a behavior is the most wonderful, intelligent, and kind-hearted thing to
do. Effective feedback does not include a value judgement. Rather, my feedback
needs to avoid the rightness and wrongness issue and should focus on simply
describing what the behavior appeared to be, to bring some truth to the
light. Few people appreciate judgmental comments...evaluative statements
often breed defensiveness.
Feedback is not advice. In order for me to give you good advice,
I need to know all of your thought's and feelings. I would have to have
experienced your experiences. I'd have to be able to read your mind. I
would need to know all the issues involved in the situation about which
I'm to share my vast and authoritative knowledge. And once I give you this
valuable input, I would want you to agree to give me 100% of the credit
if the advice works, but for you to accept all the blame if it doesn't.
This is advice.
Feedback is not effective if it comes across as advice. It doesn't
not suggest you should do this or quit doing that. It is simply sharing
something I see. Perhaps you know it already or perhaps you don't.
Feedback becomes the property of the receiver. Effective feedback
does not imply that you should do something with the information I have
given you. When I offer you feedback, I should not expect you to change
your behavior for me. The goal of feedback is to enlarge the Arena between
us, not change your behavior. You may change your behavior, but that is
up to you.
Feedback is like a gift. Once the gift is given, the receiver can do
with the gift as he or she pleases. I, the giver, cannot demand that you
do this or that with it. The gift is no longer mine.
Learning about our onion skins and possible zig zags are some of
our deepest needs.